”Hello, Alina”

Her heart drops because she knows that voice but it can’t be. He’s dead, she saw him burn.

She turns around, her mouth dry, her hands shaking as beads of sweat form on her forehead.

He’s standing at the entrance of the kitchen with a grin.

”Did you miss me?”

”How did you? You were dead! I watched you burn!”

His laugh sent chills down her spine.

”Oh, Alina, I’m disappointed in you. Still, underestimating me after all this time. All the time we spent together and you still don’t get it. I’m crushed.”

She tried to keep steady, but his voice was intoxicating. She was wanted to feel nothing for him, but yet he still had a hold on her.

”Now, where is that boy you traded your power for? You are so weak now, but don’t worry Alina..”

She gasped as he drew closer whispering in her ear.

”I plan to change that.”

When I want to remember what I had and what I’ve lost, I walk in to the field and let my mind wonder back to you. The torment I have of losing you comes back in waves.

The grass gently brushes up against my arm as I lay here in the silence and remember when you were all I wanted.

When you pass by the field do you remember when we laid in the back of your truck looking up at the stars?

Did you look for me when you sang for the crowd wishing I was standing in the front row cheering you on?

Did you remember me when you needed to be encouraged and all she did was talk about herself? 

Does your mind wonder back to me when she makes you be what she wants you to be? 

My soul is broken in to pieces that will never mend. 

My heart calls out your name in the silence. 

It’s time for me to move on, but how can I when all I’ve ever wanted was you?

I met Jesus alone at the Alter

In the silence of my tears, he held me

As everyone watched my suffering

He picked me up from the dark place that no one wanted to touch

Satan coming to accuse at my feet with reminders of what was true

Alone at the alter

As people looked over my brokenness

Jesus came to my rescue and tore open the heavens for my behalf

My Savior, my first and only one, the one who reminds me of who I am

Alone at the alter

Jesus held my hand

Reminding me he’s fighting my battles

The first in my life

Jesus met me at the altar with no judgment or second-guessing.

He healed me and reminded me who he is and who I am.

Alone at the alter

Jesus reminded me that he is enough because he is my Father in heaven and my support.

She was his sunflower shining in the sun.
He would destroy what brought her pain.
Her kiss melted his ice cold heart.
Her laugh made him remember who he used to be.
The boy that wanted to be loved and wanted.
Before the world destroyed every inch of light
With no mercy.
He was darkness; he was destructive.
He was power.
They looked at him with admiration.
With his power he would strip everything from them.
He tried so hard to keep his walls up,
but she could see right through him.
For the first time he felt something.
He became that little boy again.
In one single moment.
His hate subsided.
He was just a boy in love with a girl.

The problem though was wanting makes us weak.

It’s not like us to go this long. Looking in the mirror at my own reflection, reminds me of how far I’ve come. It isn’t anything how I thought it would be without you. I wanted it to be better with you gone. I wanted to show you how far I could make it on my own. Instead. I’m standing in the same place looking back at you, wondering if letting you go was the right thing to do. It wasn’t easy to turn away and fight the urge to let you back in. I’m stuck in my safe place afraid to move forward. Life has continued and I’m trapped inside the walls that I’ve built. I wanted my life to be better, but my mind is more choas trying to keep you at bay. Sometimes I miss the darkness that made me feel powerful, but I know that you only set out to destroy all that I’ve ever known and loved.
The world is black and it is chaos. I’m blinded by what I started.

My walls are made of glass and all I see is my worst enemy staring back at me. I’ve tried to shatter the glass, but it is as strong as steel. I’m trapped in my own demise. Blood drips from my fingertips and splatters on the cold flood. My feet are drenched in my blood and no one hears my cries. From the depths of my dark soul I can hear you whisper. I place my hand on the glass and leave a blood stained hand print. Let me out from where I’m at. I look at my own reflection staring back at me. She forces a smile, because she knows without me life is lonley, but without me maybe she will be free. She puts her hand on the glass as I do mine. Our hands connected,but she looks at me with sorrow. Knowing she will never let me out. I’m chaos and darkness, all she ever wanted was to be free.

Blood drips down the mirror as it begins to crack.

Sometimes people doing less will make you feel as if they’re doing more, so you will feel inferior. I have learned to watch who is in my circle and be careful what I say around them. Pay attention to your surroundings and make sure your insecurities are not coming from how others make you feel. We will feel insecure and inferior at times, but a lot of times those feelings come from how others make us feel. I have realized that when I’m feeling better, excited or confident those people will drag me down. Make me feel that I’m doing nothing, because they want to feel like they’re on top. I have been dragged to the darkest parts of my mind throughout my life. I have made a bad habit of feeling guilty for doing better. For being confident, for feeling excited or joyful, because some people don’t want me to be stronger, because I won’t be below them anymore. Certain people use your insecurities and darkness as a crutch to make themselves higher and getting better makes their crutch deteriorate. Jesus has been working with me to no longer feel guilty for their inability to be happy that I’m getting better. Not to feel guilty that I have been brought so far and am finally awakening to who I was and who God has created me to be. Don’t feel guilty for doing better. Don’t go back to where you were for the sake of others or even for the sake of how you feel. Give yourself a chance to push through the barriers to reach where God is calling you to. People in your life should be praising your winnings not trying to remind you of who you were. Not trying to snatch the trophy from your hand and making you feel less than who Jesus has made you to be. We were never meant to be a crutch or a punching bag for anyone not even ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to hold you back and don’t allow yourself to hold you back. Keep reaching for what Jesus has said you are even if it’s difficult. Even the elite will hurt you, but don’t allow the status of someone to discourage you from believing who Jesus is and who you are. No one is higher than Jesus even if they have made themselves believe otherwise. Jesus doesn’t move from his throne for them. Don’t move from your position for them either.

Have you ever heard the story of the sun and the moon?

Her little girl looked at her with bright eyes.


Twirling her long blonde hair that seems to take up too much space for a little girl, but it reminded her of someone. She could never bear to cut it.

“What it is mommy?”

The little girl waved her mom’s hand away impatience in her voice.

“The moon was in love with sun, but they could never be together.”

“Why not?”

“Because the moon owned the darkness and the sun owned the light.

They couldn’t be together, but only to watch each other from afar. Love was forbidden for them both, because if the moon and sun were to come together the world would explode.”

“So they accepted their fate of never truly having the love they so longed for.”

She watched as her mom looked up at the moonlight. Wanting to know more, but her mom was carried away in thought as she always done.

“Tell me more, mommy”

Wiping the tears from her face, she turned to look at her daughter.

“That’s enough for tonight. It’s time for you to go to sleep.”

“But I don’t want to, I want to hear more about the moon and the sun.”

“If you go to sleep, maybe the moonlight will shine through and give you wonderful dreams.

She kissed her cheek and walked out the door.

The moon peered though the window as she slightly opened her daughters door.

A beautiful creature with blond golden hair and wings that were as black as the night sky stood over her daughters bed. He brushed her hair and took her hand in his.

Whispering so softly

“Let me tell you a story about the sun and the moon.”

Teardrops slide down her face like the midnight rain.