I’ve been thinking about how 2020 was supposed to be a better mental health year. I set a goal to push to be healthier and I felt myself reaching a point with God that I’ve never been able to reach. My mind felt more clear, I was holding onto this joy that depression, anxiety, fear and paranoia have been taking for a long time. When quarantine happened I’ve been afraid I would slip back. I’ve been frustrated because it ruined the plan. I’ve come to this point of realizing that I don’t need to keep on moving for my goal to work. I can do it on a daily basis by handling what is going on by trusting that even in our sinking Jesus is still here. He didn’t isolate himself from us because he lives in us. I can still push to have a clear mindset and control my emotions have a healthy mental health because he is with me always. I tend to forget in all the chaos and fear. We can head to a new level in our lives even in isolation because Jesus is always with us. I hope we all find peace knowing Jesus will get us through this even when the boat is sinking.🌿🙏🏼✝️💕

Who’s fueling your fury?

The crackle of the fire brings a warning to many not to get to close.

But you are something different.

It draws you in, beckoning you to come forth.

Your hand reaches out as the fire scorches your skin but you don’t feel a thing. 

You control it now and all it’s power. 

The murmurs of the ones who don’t understand 

and the howl of the wind 

that sends shivers down your spine. 

Fire in your eyes and the world at your finger tips.
You weren’t invited to this party but it welcomed you anyway

Shattered glass all around.

My heart is calling out to you but you can no longer hear me.

My soul is chaos and it has destroyed all that I know.

I once loved you but I let you go because I couldn’t bare the thought of watching you bleed.

I stand in the brokenness that has become who I am.

The scars call out my name as blood drips from my skin.

In my brokenness there is a strength.

I found it not in the chaos I created but

when I watched you walk away.

You didn’t ask me

but I could see it in you

You wanted to stay.

You never called on me in your darkest time.

I told you I would be there but you never believed that it was true.

I stretched out my hand but you were no longer there.

The  darkest arrived and engulfed you.

I should’ve tried more to save you. Bloodstained hands with wounds that will tell a story never will be told.

I left you in the dark to find my way.

Shadows follow calling me to come back home.

Mirror Mirror on The Wall

Who is the fairest of them all

In this destruction I lay

Wondering who is to blame

All I wanted was to gain the life I was owed

Tiptoed through the snow

Lonely soul

Where did you go

”Hello, Alina”

Her heart drops because she knows that voice but it can’t be. He’s dead, she saw him burn.

She turns around, her mouth dry, her hands shaking as beads of sweat form on her forehead.

He’s standing at the entrance of the kitchen with a grin.

”Did you miss me?”

”How did you? You were dead! I watched you burn!”

His laugh sent chills down her spine.

”Oh, Alina, I’m disappointed in you. Still, underestimating me after all this time. All the time we spent together and you still don’t get it. I’m crushed.”

She tried to keep steady, but his voice was intoxicating. She was wanted to feel nothing for him, but yet he still had a hold on her.

”Now, where is that boy you traded your power for? You are so weak now, but don’t worry Alina..”

She gasped as he drew closer whispering in her ear.

”I plan to change that.”

I wish I could press restart. Let’s go back to the beginning because I wish I handle things differently. I would be stronger, I would stand up and fight. I would’ve told you how I felt and held on to the moment a little longer. Let’s press restart to go back to the beginning of where it all went wrong. I would’ve done better for you. I would’ve shown you all that you meant to me. Let’s hit the restart button and erase now and go back to then. I would’ve tried a little harder and held on to the moment a little longer

I feel you slipping away. I try to reach for you, but I know it’s wrong. A force is moving me forward as I try to get to you. I see you slipping away. I want to look back, but I know I have to move forward. 

I want to reach for your hand, but I hesitate and act as nothing happened. I’m walking on moving ground and I watch you slip away. I scream your name in the silence knowing you can’t hear me. I see you in strangers faces and wish one of them was you. I want to tell you what’s on my heart, but I know that would be wrong. So I keep moving forward and ignore what’s inside. I let life pull me away from you and from what I thought I knew.

I placed the little paper boat in the ocean to see how far it would float. 

A wave came crashing down and swept it away. 

I walked along the sand picking up seashells as the waves gently swept across my feet. 

In the distance, I see a boat moving towards the horizon far away from where I stand. 

Driftin away. 

The ocean

is its escape. 

I jump into the water, waiting for the waves to carry me away.

I close my eyes and wait.

I wait for my boat to come to take me away.

The ocean is my escape.

Come little boat.